Because (1)

I have spent too much of my life being a follower.

Until even those who mean me well have become accustomed that I will share their opinions, and their wishes will always be mine, whether from the outset or by various manners of persuasion.

I am afraid to say what I really think.

A said this well - just because someone is able to articulate or express an opinion fluently and frequently and loudly enough does not mean that he/she is therefore 'right'.

I am afraid of disapproval and being judged.

As much as I feed on approval, every frown and slightest sign of displeasure is just as hungrily watched.

I do not want to be the only one standing apart from the group.

Even if said group is only one other person.


Because (2)

I need only to know what I have to do - for reasons that may or may not be 'right' (or seem 'right' to another person) - and just do it.

It is about trusting yourself enough.

And then, you live with your choice.

Is it not strange that the one we find hardest to trust is not another person, but ourselves?


Left or right?

It has been a strange, strange start to the week.

The flood of phone messages and emails; anticipated and the unexpected; intentions and expectations - both spoken and unspoken.

A Monday that felt more like a Friday night. It was almost apt that the night was spent drinking into the early hours of the next morning (and dinner became a very late supper after drinks). It was a toast to the week ahead; to whatever laid ahead.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Just give me what you want to; what you think is 'right'. It's up to you."

My mother has this extremely infuriating habit of leaving it to me to make the call, especially when it concerns money matters like sharing household expenses. This is in spite of her already having a figure in mind. I hate it when she plays these guessing games with me; setting me up for her sometimes eventual disappointment, or to her sometimes 'pleasant surprise' - especially when she gets more than what she had expected; which I am beginning to suspect has always been her intention, and not so much some warped satisfaction from having me guess her mind correctly.

I do not like being tested; being set up; being emotionally blackmailed.

People should just tell me what they want. It makes things so much simpler, no?


A little mouse ...

... told someone that I have not been well.

One too many little animals are taking an interest in my life.